First Fearing

Let my first Knowing be of thee

With morning’s warming Light --

And my first Fearing, lest Unknowns

Engulf thee in the night –

Emily Dickinson

There must be an English word stands somewhere between "secretive" and "introvert".  Reserved? Maybe, but whatever it is, it was the word my mother used to describe me. I think she mainly meant my lack of communication with family and friends regarding my life, particularly when there were problems or preoccupying matters.

Mama might have been right or to some extent right, if she compared my attitudes to those of my brother and sisters, but if she could have ever taken off the analogy, she might have had a different opinion.

 In general it was rare that I felt a burden on my shoulders was too big to carry it alone, or maybe there have never been a too big burden in the first place. And Far from the need I might or might not have had to talk with someone whenever I was under stress, there were also valid questions like who could be the confidant? How much of help can he/she be? Is it wise to let someone be involved (morally at least) in a personal or professional problem of mine?

Stress sometimes was/is there, and the temptation to reveal and speak up was also there, but something at the back of my mind usually held me back. And every time a wave came and passed away, I felt released I did not let the others get bothered.

Dream (14/03/2013)

I was told to go on a week-long business trip in Washington DC. I felt happy because the actual work would only need one day and then I would have free six days. Although this was not my first visit, my brother gave me recommendations for what to do and see. He added that I should rent a car and drive on a certain highway bridge because it would feel like driving in the sky.

When I arrived to Washington and walked in wide deserted streets, I felt it had nothing to do with the city I had known before. I tried to cross a road when two cops stopped me and said harshly that I had to wait until the traffic sign turned green. I looked around and found no traffic sign. I felt somehow threatened and I might fall in trouble. I continued to walk in the streets with conflicting feelings of anticipated joy and sad disappointment.

A Week

Monday

I was restlessly changing the TV channels as usual when I found Mike Leigh's Happy Goes Lucky on. I watched the movie for the third time with the same feeling of enthusiasm and enjoyment. A set of very talented characters act and react in a superbly written script. An ideal form of art when it is both simple and deep. Sally Hawkins' character was a teacher. Teaching was one of the jobs I wished to do. I think my wish went beyond that common desire students sometimes have to become teachers, as they look up to their own teachers. Besides, two of my elder sisters have long careers as teachers.

Tuesday

At the end of a work-related meeting with a Canadian lady I told her I had a soft spot for Canada. And I still have. I do not know exactly why, but sometimes certain countries leave a foggy positive or negative image on us for no apparent or direct reason. Maybe because many years ago I was supposed to live and study in Canada and everything was almost in its final stage when some unpredictable circumstances turned my plans upside down? Maybe. And I have never visited there.

Wednesday

I changed my desktop background which was put by a colleague who used the computer before. My favorite backgrounds are pictures of mountains. I had to choose between the Swiss Alps and their neat beauty -to-perfection and the impressive rugged Indies. I chose the latter.

Thursday

Those who occupy a machine at the gym and keep texting instead of exercising…

I waited for awhile before approaching and asking him if he finished using the equipment. He stopped texting, finished his sets quickly and left. Fine, but do they really need to be reminded they have to finish first, get off and go texting somewhere else?

Friday

I was looking for interesting blogs to read, and did not know how to find them, so I googled the blogspot/wordpress + words I thought might be interesting as titles of blogs or posts. I found the words I chose came up mostly in blogs written by female bloggers. Not that there is anything wrong or dissatisfying with that, but it is just a remark. Words like cloud, life, sun, moon, hill, sky, heart, star, passion, blue and waves were found much more in women's blogs. I wonder what words are used by male bloggers more? I can't guess. 

Saturday

These two birds stand everyday on the exact same spot on the wall separating me from my noisy neighbors for nearly an hour before and after sunset. I do not know why I funnily assume they are always the same two birds.

Sunday

End-of-summer sales. I bought khaki pants and a light blue polo shirt. Epitome of classic.

Valentine

Valentine Day came and left.

A friend of mine waked up very early in the morning of that day to the message beep of the mobile of his significant other who was sleeping in bed next to him. First he did not pay attention but then when he opened his eyes and looked at her, she abruptly switched off the mobile and pretended to be still asleep.

He told me later that he should have waked up earlier and sent her a Happy Valentine message. I found nothing to say.

Dream (22/02/2013)

I walked down the street and met an old boss of mine who asked what I did do with the assignment he gave me the day before. I remembered nothing about it but felt too embarrassed to say the truth, so I assured him it was almost done, and only minor touches were needed. He left and I tried hard to remember what the assignment was until a friend reminded me it was a report on the football team! I was surprised I was chosen for this task while my interest in football was below zero. I had to start writing the report because I did not want the boss feel being intentionally ignored since he got retired recently.

I crossed the street and a furious-looking man stopped me and asked why I supported his wife in her stand. I did not know what he was talking about. His rage turned physical and he hit me few times with a blue chair-like plastic object.

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