Scenario

1- They set up a hypothetical scenario.
2- They squeeze the facts in order to fit the scenario.
3- They interpret any following action according to the scenario.
4- They predict the future actions that will validate the scenario.
5- Now they believe that the scenario is the only god-made reality.

Words

Why do we fear words
When among them are words like unseen bells,
Whose echo announces in our troubled lives
The coming of a period of enchanted dawn,
Drenched in love, and life?
So why do we fear words?

We took pleasure in silence.
We became still, fearing the secret might part our lips.
We thought that in words laid an unseen ghoul,
Crouching, hidden by the letters from the ear of time.
We shackled the thirsty letters,
We forbade them to spread the night for us
As a cushion, dripping with music, dreams
And warm cups.

Nazik Almalaika
Translated by Rebecca Carol Johnson

The farthest my memory could go…

A foggy scene where I sat on huge stairs. A black lady was sitting next to me. We were talking or playing.

When I asked my parents about it, it turned out that I was less than 4 years old and we were in a sea resort. The lady was my nanny. She was, according to what they said, my closest and dearest person at that age. It is strange that that was the only memory I had of her.

Nostalgia

I miss receiving a personal letter by mail. Or a postcard (no envelope) of some landmark in a foreign city sent by a friend with few words about his impressions and best wishes.

....

Green Roof

Flash memory...

At those days, a carpenter would go to a client's house for one or two weeks to do a job.
We had a carpenter doing some business at our home. He worked in a separate room on the roof of the house. "A" was dark, bald, fifty something and a smoker with brownish teeth. His unbuttoned working shirt and his trousers were always stained with spots of paint and wood glue. I used to stay with him from the morning until late afternoon watching him work. It must have been summer.
We developed a friendship (or what a 7 or 8 years old kid would qualify as a friendship). He once built a small wooden house and painted the roof in a bright green color and gave it to me as a present.
One day A had a fight with my father. I do not remember the reason but it was something related to the job he was doing. He left that day and never came back. He even left his tools case. And the cupboard, he was making, remained unfinished. I kept the green roof house in my room. It was slightly bigger than a shoes box. Later I used to put tiny toys inside so the house would feel like a real home.

Dream

I ran into this old friend of mine while he was jogging, in full dress, in a park. I haven't contacted him for many years and I was surprised to find him here since he lives in the States. He looked much more youthful than he was supposed to look and his head was full of hair. He did not recognize me at the beginning and when he did, he did not seem surprised. He was smiley and joyful. When I asked him about the reason he left New York. He answered something about the huge salary he gets here.

Homeless

It is getting serious now it seems. Two policemen rang my bell few days ago saying that neighbors complained about my dog being free in the street scaring their kids. They added that the dog caused disturbance by barking all night. I told them what I have told the neighbors before that the dog was not mine per se. I found him homeless and in a miserable condition. I started to give him food, and since the gate of my house was not closed all the time, he used to go in and out freely. It was the neighbors' kids who used to throw stones at him and if they just let him alone he wouldn't bark or make noise. The policemen did not seem convinced and gave me two options, either I took full responsibility of the dog not letting him unleashed out in the street or they would order the relevant authority to take him away (and I guess this meant putting him down).

Now I am in a dilemma. I have no time to fully adopt him and I can not just let him be taken and killed.

The one and only SPCA-like entity here does not accept homeless pets anymore. It already has enough. And the vets are full of ads of dogs seeking adoptive families. On top of all, the society here is not very friendly to pets in general and dogs in particular. I don't know what should I do.

Sometimes

I watched a movie on TV yesterday about someone whose life was a constant fight to attain his goals. After the end I wondered for the zillionth time if I was the fighting spirit sort of person. I really do not know, but I do ont think that I am the person who would be persistent in achieving goals, or the one who would stumble many times but has the energy and courage to stand up every time and try once again. It is strange that we do not know sometimes what we are capable or incapable of, even when it comes to a basic trait of character. When I look back at my life I find that my objectives were rather acheivable. Or maybe I did not seek, in the first place, very difficult challenges. So the answer to the question is still hanging in the air. Sometimes I wish I knew the answer, and sometimes I just enjoy the luxury of not needing to know the answer.

One minute

It is a crazy day, but just to find one minute amid all the hustle to talk to myself (through this blog)is a bit relaxing.

Sweet and Sour

Someone I know is very nice to me and very nasty with the others. How should I feel about him? The two facts (being nice and nasty at the same time) make it difficult for me to set a clear picture of him in my mind. I can't overlook what I see, and I can't neutralize my feelings. He might have his reasons for being such a sweet and sour person but these reasons, in both cases, are beyond my understanding.

Maybe someday he will change the way he treats others or probably the way he treats me. I will see.

Dreams

• I was running to nowhere holding between my arms the newly born baby girl of my colleague. I felt happy though. The girl was prettier than how she really is.

• I was sitting somewhere outdoor. A lot of mosquitoes were coming and going around. I was irritated and felt uncomfortable. A cloud of helplessness was there somewhere.

• I was visiting my close friend at his home. It was different from the home I know. He and his wife were proudly showing me the design and furniture. I did not like the tacky taste but I was too polite to express my view. Then I realized that their kids were there in the same room but I forgot to greet them. I said to myself that it was embarrassing too to forget to shake hands with the kids. While showing me the house I found that some decorations and furniture were made of cartoon. I said to myself how strange that was, but I had to pay a compliment saying that cartoon was more practical.

It is so quiet

I have to get my hair cut. I get it cut now almost once every 3 weeks. I used to let at least 2 months pass before visiting the barber shop, but now I prefer this shorter hair/classic look on me. It is image boosting at my age to have a head full of hair although I find being bald on certain guys is quite appealing too. I am not sure if the shop is open today since it is still a national holiday. I will go check and see if my silent serious barber is there or not.

The gym is closed. It sucks. In a long national holiday what should we do if the gym is closed? Not much I am afraid. Well, maybe jogging on the beach in this nice weather will make up for the lack of a hard sweaty gym session. Unlike most of the people I loose weight if I keep away from the gym for a while. And since I am in a good shape, loosing weight does not sound a good idea as it is for 99.9% of the people I know and hear or read about. Yep, I know it sounds cruel!

After midnight

"I would rather go mad with the truth than remain sane with lies". This is Bertrand Russell's. For long I believed in that saying but recently I am not quite sure that I still hold on to it. Or I should say that I would still believe in it if I found out (or thought) that the truth was not that maddening. Or I would still believe in it if I knew that the truth was unobtainable, and hence I would sound like a great truth seeker if I kept, with a solemn face, reiterating the saying. Or...well, never mind.

Absurd

- So now what?
- What?
- Don't you want to say something?
- What should I say?
- Don't be silly.
- I really don't understand what you mean.
- Well, as long as you play fool, I say it straight. Don't you want us to do now again what we have done yesterday?
- I love to.
- Ok, let's go.

Morteza again

The Ha Ha

I was talking few days ago with a friend about one of my favorite novels of all times. The Ha Ha by Jennifer Dawson. I had a story with this novel. When I was a teenager I used to buy secondhand books from a permanent famous street fair. It was a happy occasion at that tender age to ride, nearly once a month, the bus all alone and go to downtown. I used to search books without having a clear idea what I was exactly looking for. The choice was random. Titles or cover design would attract me to buy the books. And this is how I got to read The Ha Ha in its translated version.

The novel captured me from the first reading. Back then (before the internet era) I couldn't know anything about the novelist except her name and her British identity. It was more than 15 years later that I could buy the original version in a secondhand books (again) e-store.

Events were narrated by a schizophrenic patient in a mental institution without the usual exaggeration and clichés. While the heroine told us, in a very simple and straightforward way, about life, friends, colleagues and workers in the hospital, she let us indirectly see how "outcast" she is in the eyes of those who were around her. We see how normal she was in her own eyes and how "abnormal" in the others' eyes.

Wonderful novel that I read almost once every two years.

Travel

These are crazy days. We have to finish a lot of stuff at work before the holiday that starts next week. I do not think I am going to take any day off though. So here it is again, another working holiday.

I haven't taken any real holiday since July 2008. I got really fed up with the work conditions, the heat (although weather is getting remarkably better now) and the monotonous rhythm.

As I always suffered from an intensive case of daydreaming since I was a child, I find now that it is my only resort. I just stop doing what I should do at the office, I plug off and I start a 5 minutes trip of daydreaming. It is mostly focused (besides sexual fanasies..ha) on going on a vacation.

In old better days I used to travel everywhere. No continent I haven't been to. Travel was/is one my real passions, so to be unable to move for almost 2 years is not really me.

Well, let me be more positive and start some plan for a January vacation when everybody comes back from their vacations and air tickets fare get less cruel.

Lunch break

* Someone I know keeps talking about ghosts and haunted places. He has no embarrassment talking about it in the presence of people who do not believe in such things. They look at him with serious faces but I can easily imagine what they are thinking of while he enthusiastically tells his unbelievably strange stories and so called experiences. Delusion is bliss.

* A guy I used to know had ended his long term relationship and just few months later he got into another long term relationship (and they have been together for more than 3 years now). Another friend is dying to settle down and get married/partnered or whatever. Some people are really lucky when it comes to heart matters. It does not matter how nice/warm/pleasant/serious/hot one can be. Some of us still can not find the other half despite all the good intentions, deeds or looks.

* A colleague at work repeated yesterday again that she envied me for my calmness. I adjusted the calm mask tightly on my face, smiled and replied shyly while looking downward: Thank you.

* I watched Chaz Bono on GMA. Goodness, I immediately pictured Cher with all her glamour! Chaz' voice really changed and her body ballooned. She completed the transformation phase and ready now for the big leap. He said that gender is what between the ears not what between the legs. I don't know, but I couldn't fully "digest" that though.

T & J

I met T yesterday. We agreed to meet at an Italian restaurant we have been to before in his last visit. It is always nice and heart warming to see T and to talk to him. A close friendship that I really cherish.

I wondered what I should wear. Should I go for the athletic/muscular look with a fit T-shirt and jeans? Or a more classic stuff like a long sleeved shirt and khaki trousers? Then I preferred something in between with a fit polo shirt and casual blue trousers. I arrived early and stayed in the car listening to the music until time was up.

He came with his friend J. It was my first time to see J, although I have been hearing about him since forever. He looked as I have expected. Tall and blond with that known Nordic allure.

It lasted more than 3 hours. We talked about everything work, families, old friends, and memories. Surprisingly (to myself) I have been open and talkative the whole time although I am usually on the shy side particularly when I meet people for the first time. But I guess when we feel relaxed, matters sometimes take another track.

Food was fine. I ordered Mediterranean salad and sparkling water because I have had a big late lunch. J asked if I usually ate that healthy. The answer was negative.

They are leaving today. Alas it was too short.

Morteza

I like many of Morteza Katouzian's paintings. I amn't an expert, but his works just move something inside me.

Yea, that's true!

"You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic."

That was an anonymous post in a discussion forum about the sort of sayings given by fortune tellers that seem true but applies, at the same time, on so many people.

Brilliant!

T

T will be visiting town for the coming few days. He is an old friend and one of the rare persons I feel very comfortable to be with and to talk to. It is amazing how only one person can color your views on a whole people! Immature, I know, but I can not really neutralize my feelings towards the Nordic people my friend T belongs to. Stereotype much? Yes, but at least it is a positive one.

Here we go again

I have been thinking lately about my 2010 wish list. Well, as if my 2009 list got anything to do with what I have already witnessed. Nevertheless, just thinking of what I wish 2010 might bring to me, gives me sort of comfort.

Some 2009 wishes would automatically move to the new list (and maybe to the next 10 or 20 yearly lists). Those that dealing with health, happiness, love etc. The more practical and professional wishes are those that vary from a year to another.

Well.. I will prepare the list, print it out, put in an envelope, address to someone up there and wait to see how much would he contribute to their achievement.