Doors

In 2011 and 2012 I lost two close friends. The loss was a decision taken, solely or partially, by me.

After a minor trigger in 2012, I decided I was not able to put up with an old friend's actions and attitudes. All his drama, moral pressure and negative energy took a toll on me. In return, I was not “allowed” to have my down moments. He has always been a heavy baggage, but at a certain moment, even after twenty years, we have the right to say enough is enough. I took the decision with no regret despite the long time we have known each other and the different situations we went through together. I do not hold a grudge against him and I wish him the best. Simply, I cannot bear the pressure of his friendship, as I see it, on my shoulders anymore.

It was different with the other friend. Has the friendship just faded? Maybe. What I know is that this friend, who was very close, became really aloof within a short period of time. When I inquired if I did anything wrong, he said he was just passing through a phase of his life where many matters became unclear and uncertain. I tried to give him the support I could give in a long distance friendship, but there was something basic missing in the person I thought I knew very well. I felt as if our friendship, among maybe other relationships and ideas of his, was under scrutiny and he was reassessing its value.

My country witnessed then an unstable political period where insecurity prevailed and hundreds of citizens fell dead, but my friend never called or sent a message to see even if I was still alive. Few months later, I found a one line e-mail asking if I was ok. I replied I was doing fine and added, in a friendly tone, that I had expected a much earlier message. He said he tried to call but there was no answer. I asked myself why I haven’t found any missed calls from him. Or any missed calls with the code of his country of residence? Why even an e-mail was not sent in the right time when the turmoil and danger were at their peak? These questions rolled around in my head, but were never addressed loudly to him. I did not reply his last message and he never contacted me again. For a reason or for no reason the friendship went to its death bed. As if there was an undeclared pact but signed by both of us to end it. Two years passed. I feel sorry. I feel really sorry because he meant a lot to me.

Were these two friendships real? Yes they were.

Do the reasons of the break-up seem valid? I do not know.

Did any of my friendships in the past take the same path? No.

Doors close, others open and life goes on.